Domestication

No, I'm not dead. It's always good to squelch the rumors.

I have decided that "everyday bloggers" must have one or more of the following:

1. no job
2. no children
3. older children who do not wear diapers and cannot fall down stairs
4. air conditioning at their job so they do not feel like slimy sweat mongrels upon returning from work
5. no pets that require walking
6. personal maids
7. personal cooks

Those are my excuses reasons for not blogging for the past two weeks. Take it, or leave it.

In my two week absence I've discovered I have quite the worker on my hands. If you're in need of a cute cook, there's one in my kitchen who may be willing to work for crackers.

Ollie especially loves wearing oven mitts while looking into the oven. If you want any serious cooking done, you may need to call someone else. ;)

If you are in need of a floor man...



 Swiffers are soooo much better than toys, right?

I'm unsure where this guy gets his domestic skills. Let's just hope they last!

Open House, dead animals, and the first day of school

Soooo...I wrote this last night. And then I realized how hot and tired I was and then I gave up. Don't worry...I will finish the story that I started yesterday. And I also inserted a few random pictures because NOBODY likes to read a big ol' post with no pictures, am I right? ;)

Yesterday's writing:
The first day of school is tomorrow. May I just say, "AKCAKCKACKCKCKACKCKCAKCCK!!!"


Side story:
Tonight was Open House where parents and students get to come in and me their teacher and drop off school supplies...in the heat. I've mentioned before that our school's not air conditioned, right? Anywhooo...we were to compensate ourselves 2 hours for the 2 hours of overtime tonight. So I decide to waddle drive myself through McyD's for lunch and head home to let Guinea Pig out as a nice relief from the burning incinerator that is my workplace. I gobble down my chicken nuggets and fries in the car thinking, "You can totally make it through this. You will not die from heat exhaustion. Second graders will not notice the sweat dripping down your lower back, upper thighs, temples, upper lip, stomach, neck, or armpits."


I arrive home and Guinea greets me at the door tail wagging. I decide to get dressed in dressier clothes first and then take her on a teeny tiny walk. (No use getting sweaty at home before getting sweaty at work.) We walk slowly. Remember, I said the goal was to not get sweaty. We walk by


Random picture #1: Ollie on his birthday in April after eating spaghetti and cupcakes. Yum! Oh, how I love that man!

Today's writing:
I will finish the above started story. :)

We walk by the house we walked by yesterday that has a half mutilated bird wing in its garden. (Don't ask me why.) I start to pull on her leash thinking, "Oh no you don't lady!" but she doesn't even make a move for it. Instead she walks over to another part of their garden and scoops something up in her mouth.

"What was it Mary?" you may be asking.

I didn't know, but I figured it was something disgusting or precious. Those are the only real things she puts in her mouth...disgusting things or things that are precious to you (e.g. Ollie's blanket).

It was a bird. A dead one. :( Only Miss Secretive Snout wasn't going to let me see that. She kept firm hold on that baby and wouldn't let go even after we walked back to the house. She kept her mouth shut and looked at me innocently expecting me to open the door so she could unleash her prized possession all over my carpet. Only I was smart...well...smarter than her anyway. I tethered her up outside, went in and got a treat, and came back out to make a trade. Good thing too, because it was icky. Seriously.

Poor bird.

And poor Mary. Guess who was sweaty before Open House even started? This girl.

Guess who was dripping sweat afterwards? This girl. :P

The first day of school was today. Good thing you're not at my house right now, because I smell. Bad. Have I mentioned we don't have air conditioning? Have I? Have I mentioned I sweat more than anyone I know?

The first day was a first day...I will spare you the details and, instead, leave you with my top 3 worst most challenging moments of the day.

1. I gave a quiz to my second graders with questions about myself...just for fun. ;) One of the questions was to write down how old I am. One kiddo guessed 52. When I revealed my true age of 29 he blurts out, "Well, you look a LOT older than that!"

2. While talking to a little girl at lunch who was in my class last year she tells me, "Mrs. Tank...you look really...hot." Perhaps my wet hair and used football pad aroma were giving me away.

3. The button popped off my capris in the bathroom after school. *sigh*

This could be a long year.

I've decided the only positive spin I can put on the beginning of the year is that perhaps I will sweat off some weight. Perhaps.

Oh, and to go along with the "dead animal" title, Aaron told me today that there was something in his shoe this morning when he put it on for work. He stepped in it and it felt full and squishy. So he took it off.

It was a bat.

Now dead, of course, due to stepping in it and squishing it. :P Yuck.


Random picture #2: Ollie at 2 months old...smiling away after he had spit up and peed all over his mama.

So there you have it. A few days of Open House, dead animals, and the first day of school. I'm praying for cooler weather...or a good samaritan who will install air conditioning in my classroom by 8 AM tomorrow morning. I'll leave it open to interpretation as to which I'd prefer. 

Positive thought for tomorrow:
I was not shot in the face with glue today. How bad could this year be?
Yes, this really happened to me. On my first day of teaching EVER. Someday, when I am not so sweaty and fragrant, I will tell you about it.

Day 2

Ok, the first day of school is over. I survived the meetings. I survived the heat. But I'm not going to lie...my first day positive thought of, "I am NOT required to wear pantyhose to work," didn't last me until 4:00 PM. It didn't really even last me until 9:30 AM.

I have decided I may need two positive thoughts in order to survive tomorrow.

Positive Thought #2a:
I have Diet Mt. Dew to get me through the morning.

Positive Thought #2b:
I have this to come home to at night:

(P.S. This was Ollie last July. We were creating a story about Detective Ollie and his faithful sidekick, Mr. Giraffe. We are an imaginative bunch.)

Here's hoping this little face can get me through day 2.

Last Day of Freedom...

This is it. The last day of freedom. School officially starts tomorrow. :(

And, just so you know, I want none of you non-teachers out there to comment about how we teachers get 3 months of summer off blah blah blah. If you really knew what my job was like, you'd tell me I was insane to settle for less than 7 months off every year.
And a company car.
And a wardrobe allowance.
And air conditioning!

Ok...enough of that.

I am in the process of weaning Ollie back into daycare. His regular in-home daycare lady is on maternity leave so we are currently using another in-home daycare lady. He spent yesterday morning and this morning there while I worked at school. I use the term "worked" rather loosely. Mostly I walked around the room wondering if the table should move here...or here. And then I wondered if I should buy a new shelf...and should I move it here...or here. And then I decided I needed to look for the lid to my purple prize box...in here:

Looks harmless, right? Umm...I'm rather ashamed to show the next picture...of the inside.

Do you see my purple prize box lid? Nah, me neither.

Don't judge. Remember, it looks like this when I close the doors!

I never did find it. Surprising, right?

I did get my lunch board finished...kinda.

Then I decided to leave the sauna school and pick up my man. We ventured to Target and headed home. This was his state upon arrival:

I guess a half day of daycare really tires a guy out!

In an effort to approach this school year with a more positive attitude, I will be thinking of one positive thing every night for the first 30 days of school.

Positive Thought #1:
I am NOT required to wear pantyhose to work. (Hopefully you aren't either.:D)

I will be reciting this phrase at 6:15 AM when my alarm goes off.
And I will be reciting this phrase as I sit through meetings...in the non-air conditioned building.
And also as I think of Ollie being watched by someone other than his mama. :(

Hmmm...Maybe I should recite it again now.

I am NOT required to wear pantyhose to work.
I am NOT required to wear pantyhose to work.
I am NOT required to wear pantyhose to work.

This could be a long year.

Do you ever...

feel stupid? I do. A lot.

Feeling Stupid Story of the Day

Ollie and I walk Guinea Pig every night and almost every night we walk by the same houses. There is a sweet older couple who lives in one of the houses we walk by. When I say sweet, I mean suuuper sweet. The cute lady even waves at us from inside her house if she's not on the porch. :)

The other night we walked by and the couple was eating on their porch. They waved and the little lady asked us our names. "After all, we see you every night." I told her and she introduced them. She said, "I'm _____ and this is Larry."

Quick way to feel stupid: forget cute little lady's name immediately after it's stated.

I think to myself, "It's ok. She probably forgot my name too."

Fast forward to tonight:

Ollie, Guinea Pig, and I go on our usual walk. We walk by the cute little couple's house and, lo and behold, they are dining on their porch. She waves REALLY big as we walk by and calls, "Hello Mary! Hello Ollie! Hello Guinea Pig!"

Poop. She remembered, not only my name, but my child's name AND my dog's name!

So I say, "Hello....you guys."

Lame, lame, lame.

What to do? What to do? I will, undoubtedly, continue seeing them every night for the rest of eternity and she will eventually become fishy by my using obscure terms like "you guys" or "dudes" or "amigos."

And then...I have a moment of brilliance. Ok, ok...so technically my sister had a moment of brilliance on the phone when she said, "Well, when I forget someone's name I just look on the city assessor's website."

AHA!

So, I become a technological stalker and look them up. ANN! Her name is ANN! I'm a genius!

(I suppose I should use the term genius rather loosely in this case.)

Anyway...here's a funny picture of what Ollie and his genius mother have been up to lately.

He can get on it himself but insists upon being pushed around the dining and living room at mach 3.

Do you think that smirky smile he has on his dimply face is because of the fun of being pushed around or because his mama is an absent-minded name forgetter? I'll let you be the judge.

"Our state fair is a great state fair!"

"Don't miss it! Don't even be late! It's dollars to donuts that our state fair is the best state fair in our state!"

Ok...that will make no sense to you whatsoever if you've never seen the musical "State Fair." If you haven't, rent it. It's a classic! All about the Iowa State Fair...which is where we went on Friday! Hooray!

If you've never been, GO! It's going on right now! You can get info about it here. We go every year as a family. Boys got added in to our yearly adventure slowly. If you can't wander the Iowa State Fair with our family...you aren't meant to BE in our family. :)

Things to love about the Iowa State Fair:
1. There is a cow made of butter. It's called the butter cow. No lie! (My apologies to the random strangers in this picture.)

2. There are cows made of...well, not butter.

3. You can get any food you want on a stick. Or..you can get yourself a bucket of warm chocolate chip cookies like my sister and brother in-law.

4. You can find cars you owned in your younger days. Isn't that right Dad?

5. You can see famous politicians. Then you can brag to your wife's parents about what a great picture you got of the famous policitian.

6. You can nap anywhere you'd like.

7. You can have a fabulous time with your whole family.

Seriously, the Iowa State Fair is the highlight of my whole summer! If you haven't been, you simply MUST go. Be sure to wear great walking shoes...or bring your stroller to rest your weary feet after a day of fair fun. :)

Target and Rain

Started off as a good day. But someone turned into a Mr. Grumpy Pants around 9:45 AM so off he went for an unscheduled morning nap. TWO AND A HALF HOURS later he began moving again. Because of the morning nap and not getting done with lunch until 1:30 we decided to venture to the park. We went yesterday and had a blast!

I look out the window...rain. Aw, poop. No park. So we decide to venture to Target instead. I look down and decide to change out of my ripped, faded, sleeve-cutoff t-shirt thinking the Target clientele may ask me to leave and point me in the direction of the nearest Wal-Mart. (That wasn't a very nice comment, and I actually shop at Wal-Mart a lot. Ah, well.)

Target Adventure:
We buy:
pink toenail polish
new capris for Mary (which I didn't try on and now will have to return. *sigh*)
garlic bread
1 Viola! Garlic Chicken meal
new undies for Mary (hey, when you need 'em, you need 'em)\
1 box of diapers

As you can tell, we have no real purpose at Target and are wandering. That's ok though. That's what good Target trips are all about. :)

We go through the check-out lane and run into the parent of one of my former students. Good thing I changed my shirt, right? As I slide my card through the slot I think, "Good job limiting your spending to under $100. Aaron will be proud." All of a sudden I hear a deafening BOOM! The check out lady looks at me and says it must be REALLY raining now. Great.

Ollie and I stroll to the exit. Yes, it's raining. Except it's more than raining. It's pouring. Except it's more than pouring. It's pounding rain. Except it's more than pounding rain. Part of the Pacific Ocean had been released directly above Target in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

A big crowd is around the door. They are waiting. Waiting for the poor suckers they sent to the car to come pick them up at the door. I have no poor sucker with me today and think, "How bad could it be to get a little wet?" Ollie and I decide to run to the car...which we parked a ways away in a sad attempt to burn more calories so I can eat a few more cookies when I get home. (Sad, but true.)

Umm...I may have already eaten a few.

Ollie and I proceed to run through the Pacific Ocean to the car. (And by "run" I mean I run while Ollie rides in the cart along with our goodies. P.S. I ain't real fast.)

"Good thing I have layered my t-shirts," I think as mine have transformed into a second skin. By the time we reach the car we are sopping...Ollie's nigh-nigh (blanket) included.

Did I mention this is when the hail starts to come down? This is when the hail starts to come down. Kinda hard. Ollie looks at me with eyes widened. Mama Mary takes over and snatches him out of the cart and throws him into his carseat. Carseat...crap. Must. Strap. Ollie. In. Carseat.

For those of you who aren't yet parents, carseats are fabulous inventions that prevent precious cargo and one must strap precious cargo into it carefully each and every time while the grown-up's butt and back stick straight out the side of your car. Fantastic. I wrestle with the straps as quickly as I can while Ollie looks at me with disgust. I am dripping in his face.

Rain is now dripping through my 2 t-shirts, jeans, and undergarments. My feet are standing in water up to my ankles.

I toss the goodies into the car and slam the door. I jump in the front seat, panting. This is ridiculous. We look insane. Like drown rats. I decide to document our ridiculous-ness by taking this nice snapshot with my phone.



Note the hair slathered to my happy face. *sigh*

We wait in the parking lot for 5 minutes for the hail to stop. The cart that I carelessly left outside my car has now washed up against my car. Poop. Must move cart. Pacific Ocean is still falling upon the poor people of
Target.

I open the door to move the cart. Water over my ankles. Decide to leave it and risk scratching car. At this point, I. Don't. Care.

We FINALLY make it home and are freezing!

We decide to take a picture to document our awesome Target adventure.

Don't mind our sloppy-one-handed camera shot. We were cold and wet and hopeful that our next Target adventure will end a little better. :)